April 18, 2007

On Friendship

i know i'm no expert on this topic. who is? there is no art or science or trick to it. it is a universal phenomenon that just is and be.

i have mentioned in a previous post that a colleague friend of mine will be assigned to an expat post somewhere in a 4-hour trip country away from here. she's leaving this sunday. and there has been a big hoopla in the lab for her despedida/farewell party. i, of course, (for all my eccentricities and idiosyncracy) refused to be swayed to a tempo that is not so my own. and so there i was going about my own business for the last two days and refusing to dive in on the sudden craze of slumbook fever this time. Hooha! for those who know me best, they'd know i am not the type of person to be easily swayed into going along with the crowd. i do not like being bug-bitten by the fad or the 'in' thing at the moment. truth be to tell, i boycotted watching Titanic when it came out back in my College days. i found it totally appalling seeing my housemate go all-a-gaga over Jack and Rose- she even watched it 7 times! (that's seven consecutive weeks of cinematic fever! bigosh!)

and so after having eaten to our fill, i, along with several colleagues, went to queue for up for dessert when somebody started talking. friend jane suddenly laughed and commented out loud, " Aay, may speech pa pala." it was quite comical seeing us scampering back to our seats. then suddenly our hostess for the day declared loudly:
"now you'll know who are your true friends. they are the ones who have written here", indicating to the scrapbook she's been carrying all along. somebody from among the guests, let out: " hey, does that mean i'm not josie's friend? i didn't write there?" to which i seconded: "then i must not be her friend either, too." my close friends there were suddenly poking at me. "Ikaw kasi."

hmm, now let me think. and clearly, i mean.

is friendship really measured by the willingness to succumb to an idea that is not so me? should i ride on all pretense and just write on that scrapbook-thingy so i'd be considered one of her friends? or should i just be? ... without pretense, self-willed, holding onto my own conviction? or would it be stubbornness?

yikes! i actually know the answer to this already. bygollygee.. this is so petty! hehehe...

April 17, 2007

In Search of Gratitude

A seemingly dubious sense of false pride swells up deep within me everytime somebody makes me feel so small. Once, I heard the big boss talk about our (us employees’) feeling of entitlement to something he said we should not feel entitled to. At that time, I felt so small, so low, so humiliated. In his attempt to make us realize we should not demand something, I only felt an unabashed sense of humiliation. As if we were groveling at his feet demanding, nay begging (like beggars) for a measly sum of comfort. Since then, I told myself I will not expect anything from the company I work for. Especially when all it did was make me feel so undeserving, I will not allow it to make me feel so small again.

From the boss’s point of view, the company has extended its hand for so long a time that people are generally thinking they have this right when in the first place employee benefits were given as a privilege. True enough, some employees have indeed started acting and feeling in this manner- seeping dry the very well of compassion and concern that has been there offered all this time. However, in fairness to those of us who have not even taken advantage of the benefits, his action only fueled in me a sense of resentment against him, and also against the company he stands for. Since then I’ve felt resolute aversion to my work and have mastered the art of accomplishing things in lackadaisical manner. I cannot seem to find it in my heart to act out a farce.

And I’ve kept asking myself: Should I feel grateful?

April 11, 2007

My Sad Sad Heart

Here I am again on a night shift. Well, I'm thankful to have had the long holy week break and took advantage of the mini-vacation: went to the beach, heard Good Friday's last words at a Tagaytay monastery, had a wonderful Easter celebration, and spent the remainder of the week watching Jumong.

Oh, but it made me sad. I'm just so sad. The story left me with a heavy heart. It's such a sad love story.

I've often been asked some things about love. And my answer remains the same. I will tell it in my own good time. Love's mystery does get unlocked in due time. Time heals love's wounds.

From Jumong's website:
"Meet the love even bigger than the history. ‘Love’ seems to be the one common denominator across people of all generations and nations. ‘Love’ gets swept away with the waves of time and also gets hurt with biased views in societies, but it also creates a new kind of history by wrestling against adversity and the trials of time. True love, which is uncommonly seen in history, is re-drawn through the drama of our once forgotten history."