December 14, 2009
November 19, 2009
November 14, 2009
She called up someone from the US who turned out to be her fiancee. After some time, she chatted with me and i came to know that she is engaged to her boyfriend from 23 years ago. They have both gone their own separate ways and had in fact gotten married but separated. They came to see each othe again thru facebook. imagine that! the romance got rekindled and soon they'll be getting married to each other. She relates it's the most wonderful feeling. because only now did she feel peace with one other soul, this one person who she plans to be with for the rest of her life. And she has prayed to the Lord to give her exactly what she got now.
It's such a wonderful story. And i'm such the hopeless romantic. She asked me to pray for her and their future. I surely will. Annie, i am sure the Lord has granted you your heart's desire. You deserve it.
November 02, 2009
November 01, 2009
i never thought it would come to this. but i guess, all must come to pass.
i apologize once again for this long post. i just need to let go of some things before i can truly move on. i wrote this way back in the days when life was complicated and it was quite a struggle to find my voice when questioned about life and love.
SMILE FOR ME
I have reason to smile... again.
A good friend of mine invited me to the christening of her latest bundle of joy, Mikaela. I would have gladly said yes, but I felt a bit hesitant. Somehow I knew my "Oo ba." would sound hollow even to my own ears. So I just sent Jing a text message that said "Sure, y not?" so she won't hear the tinge of trepidation that accompanied my response. It isn't that I do not want to be there. It's just that I do not want to see someone who I knew would be there.
It was a moment of mixed emotions for me. After all, it's been more than 3 years since I last saw my ex-boyfriend. I had no idea what he looks like now.. not that it matters anyhow. But one thing was for certain, he will be there with his wife. Yep, he recently married. And for the life of me, I still didn't know how to deal with that situation.
I can still recall that fateful night not too long ago when I learned that there was another woman in his life. The truth was spilled out by no less than a brod who, w/o a care in the world, announced to everyone at the table that it was only a matter of time before he (my ex-boyfriend) will formalize his relationship with a certain lady friend. Apparently he was not aware that A and I were going out again. Shocked, I saw him casting furtive glances in my direction. And so, there I was at the corner of the table with my tears on a free fall. Feeling that I couldn't bear it any longer, I excused myself to go to the washroom.
The two-timing bastard! Oh but, I was never one for a confrontation. And hard as I try, I could not keep my mind on a focus that night. It was the wife of that brod who took me home, saying "Don't worry, Abby. For all you know you're better off without him. Kita naman sa mga kilos niya na hindi pa siya ready mag-commit. Mukhang ayaw pa niya iwanan ang pagkabinata. You, on the other hand, have to move on."
He did not even bother explaining. He avoided me. I waited for him to talk to me, call me or drop by my office to talk about what happened, but he never did. Not even a single text message was exchanged between us. I never saw him again after that. And I was left on my own, thinking: So this is how it would be?
The days tumbled over one another in as bleak as they could be. And I clothed myself with self-pity. I could not believe that the person who I loved and who I treasured so much would just treat me that way. I have often thought about him in between those lonely years and more. I’ve often wondered about what could have been. Yet I knew the world will continue turning and there is the matter of the what is to attend to. Not wanting his memories to haunt my every waking moment, I busied myself with work, work and more work. Then I began to realize I have to start living again. So I decided to pursue my MS degree in Applied Nutrition … of course at part-time pace. I started going out with friends again and became active in my Singles for Christ community.
Jing has always invited me over for special occasions but always I’ve declined. I knew my ex will be there because he is after all the best friend of Jing’s husband. In fact, we used to be a foursome way back in College. Oh the fun we had back then. I hold with me memories to last me a lifetime. What with the late night gimiks, escapades, thesis sampling sessions, the lot… We forged bonds of friendship that grew stronger with each passing year. We saw each other through tough times. We’ve laughed together, shared dreams with each other, hurdled ordeals together. But as with everything, it was time to move on to higher levels of struggle. We continued on life’s path taking different routes. Jing and Marvz married and now have 3 wonderful kids. By some twist of fate, I get my regular dose of news about my ex and his romping. I felt real bad whenever I hear of get-togethers being held without me. Oh how I wanted to still be part of that circle. In the many years that I have known them, I’ve always believed I would grow old with my friends. I still want to see them through life’s crests and troughs and witness how we can best each storm in our lives. But now, another has taken my place. So I…. I stayed away. It was better that way. No friendship will be tested, no bond will be swayed.
The day of the christening came. Another good friend called me to say she’d pick me up somewhere and I could hitch a ride with her. The day turned out bright and sunny. After meeting up, we proceeded to Marvz and Jing’s house. A couple of batchmates in high school arrived and together, we went to the church. I got a feeling of ‘déjà vu’ walking up the steps to the church and all throughout the ceremony as I vividly remember Jing’s first-born’s christening, that of my god-daughter Malynn. Afterwards, we then went to the lunch venue at a nearby resort. Boy, did I tease Jing about it being a ‘bongga’ celebration.
More guests turned up at the resort—more family and more friends. Was I glad I’ve got a few faces that I could associate with names. Well, the day was proceeding quite smoothly, when suddenly, my friend gave me a nudge at the knee. We were sitting at the table nearest the gate and she was directly facing the entrance.
“Abby, dumating na si A at ang wife niya”. Surprised, I couldn’t turn around hastily as it would be very obvious. Then we heard Jing calling out that lunch was ready. Guests started queing up to the buffet table. We waited until most of the guests have been seated and got up for our turn. Then we saw A standing up to get some more food for both him and his wife. He chatted with my friend and I stayed behind. Then I turned and talked with Rico who was lining up behind me.
After the meal and a few laughs at the table with friends, Jing decided to have a couple of munches herself. I went back with her to get more food and also got myself a glass of drink. On our way back, I heard my name being called out by my batchmates at the other table. So I excused myself from Jing to catch up with my old buddies.
As I approached them, Waldo called out to ask, “O Abby kumusta na kayo ng boyfriend mo?” Then he hurriedly whispered, “Iyong guy doon sa kabila ang dating boyfriend ni Abby. Iyong katabi ng buntis.” All eyes turned to the other table. And heads started nodding.. Ahh. I feigned a smile. Boy, was I in hot territory. “Walanghiya ka Waldo! Walanghiya ka talaga!!!” I whispered through clenched teeth. We were hissing like old times. After a few glasses of beer and some more pulutan and chikahan, out came the videoke. Bless the soul who invented videoke. What ever would a party be like without it?!
The boys transferred and were now all hunched up together in the surrounding tables. My friend was going and I would be left behind. Before leaving though, she mumbled about something or somebody not being introduced. And before I knew it, Jing was introducing me to A’s wife. Whew!!! In between my batchmate Mike’s belting out his own rendition of a Sinatra or something… and the goodbyes of Cath and her daughter Kyla, I was beginning to feel the heady effect of the beer. I calmly managed a “Hello.” Then with a smile and a nod, I invited myself to sit at the table where Bing was seated and Jing was munching away. For a brief moment I found myself staring at the lady before me, imagining myself in her place.
And silently I cried .. without tears, without pain, without remorse. All those years of anguish and sleepless nights and shattered dreams came hurtling back. Faces, places and memories fleeted past. And just as suddenly as it came, my mind came to a standstill. Wonder of wonders, I stayed calm. I have always imagined I would look pathetic when this would happen- that I might be bawling or wailing hopelessly. I have always doubted how I will be holding up in the face of such eventuality. But there I was, exchanging a few pleasantries with the person who have what I have always thought I wanted. I realized it was not what I want. And I am happy that I am not fettered with a chain that would bind me to something or someone that I have long given up on. Surely, I deserve more.
Then, before I knew it, guests were starting to leave. Chatting with Ana, wife of my batchmate Zed, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Turning to the source, I was surprised to see Bing saying they are leaving as she still has an appointment with her doctor. By the way, she is 8 months pregnant and due to give birth on Christmas day. What a blessing indeed! I briefly nodded and smiled, adding “ Sige. Ingat.”
Then I thought: Hey, that’s it? Lord, I didn’t feel any pain. I have steeled myself for whatever possible pain might bury me alive. But none came. As with the passing of the season, I realized I am turning over a new leaf. I am closing a chapter of my life and starting a new one. Leaving behind sad memories, and offering a silent prayer that there will be better days ahead. Only God could have given me the grace to sustain me after so much pain. Amazingly, I felt God smile at me that day. “,)
I basked in the quiet comfort of His love, oddly reassured that my lifetime, like that of others, will be one of pain as well as joy, of tears as well as laughter, of solitude as well as companionship, of giving as well as taking, and a promise of so much more. I glory in His love. With hope and gratitude, I lift everything up to Him who never abandoned me through all the trials I had to face. What else can I offer Him from whom came all that I have, but my heart, my soul and a lifetime of faithfulness.
October 30, 2009
by Paulo Coelho
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
October 13, 2009
here's an ee cummings work. i remember my friend jen who gave me a cassette tape of then Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. jen is now a practicing doctor in
Happy birthday, Jen!
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made the difference.
Ever the rebel, I stake no claim to greatness or high ambition. I just wanna be different.
September 21, 2009
it was holiday for most of our flatmates and so we were all able to go early to the jumeirah beach park. this year, it doesn't seem to be that exciting anymore. and nobody seems to be in the mood to go on an outing anymore. i don't know. maybe, it's the effect of these difficult times. everybody seem to be tightening their belt these days. we just need to understand what everyone's going through. i for one have been really feeling the pinch, too.
September 19, 2009
September 14, 2009
August 28, 2009
oh well, gotta take time for things as this. ",)
August 08, 2009
August 02, 2009
July 26, 2009
June 30, 2009
roxanne went early to help cook the food and we came after lunch just enough for me to have a quick nap and there i was rejuvenated for another day of karaoke singing, eating and drinking the night away.
goodness, my brother got inebriated and so did cousin loveley, too. reneeirvon drank at his own pace so was able to remain sober until it was time to go home. all in all, we had big fun and aunty was quite happy to see us off.
May 05, 2009
I still can't believe that it's been 12 years since. Ang tanda ko na! Hahaha...
To my inaanak, Malynn! May you grow up to be a wonderful lady and obedient daughter to your mom and dad. And be a good model to your younger brother and sister. You know they look up to you. Stay rooted in your faith and continue to serve the Lord in your own little way. God bless you, sweetie!
April 30, 2009
will be posting some pics of our Desert Safari adventure some other day. still have to get a copy of some pics from my cousin's cam and my brother's phone.
I miss my family and friends terribly. Maybe my work's gonna take much of my time to have to worry about homesickness now. i certainly hope so.
March 12, 2009
And I just can't hide it..."
i remember these lines of an old song way back in elementary. migosh, baka di pa kayo naipanganak nun, siosy.... hahaha, i'm so old. ",)
but anyway, there's no age limit to getting all fired up and revving for whatever life brings to us. the Lord knows and continues to give us something to keep us moving and raring to go. and i do look forward to whatever each day has to offer. dahil nitong mga nakaraang araw, papalit-palit talaga ang ihip ng hangin. kaya itinataas ko na lang sa Kanya ang lahat dahil Siya naman talaga ang masusunod, kahit gaano ko man nilalabanan ang buhay.
i am grateful for your blessings Lord. they are countless. you continue to humble me and you continue to nudge me deeply. what i have now, all these by your grace, Lord.
March 01, 2009
i say thank you to God for everything. Lord, you are and always will be.
thank you to my parents for seeing me through all these years. you've been really, really wonderful.
and to all family and friends for being there.
February 26, 2009
crisis, the father said, can either bring about renewal or catastrophe. it depends on how you react towards the crisis. whether it's a personal crisis, spiritual crisis or economic crisis, its ultimate outcome in your life would be considerably affected by how you handle matters as they come. any kind of crisis is an alarm- an alarm for us to do something with our life or with our outlook on life. sometimes the Lord brings us to a crisis in our life because He wants to bring us closer to Him. else, if we do not change and continue with our old ways, this will lead to a catastrophe because there is no renewal.
during these difficult times, it is always a good thing to hear counsel from the Lord. it may be through dear friends or family or leaders in church or in school. even tiny wisps of wisdom that come to you in unexpected moments.
"create in me a clean heart...."
February 22, 2009
Thank You Lord
I thank You Lord, for the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day, As I let You lead
And I thank You Lord for the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing, I can learn to care
Chorus:But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
For when those trials come
My human nature shouts the thing to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.
But I thank You Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That You're there to help lead and guide me away from wrong
For You promised, Lord, that with every testing
That Your way of escaping's easier to bear
Yes, I thank You Lord, for the victory that growing brings
In surrender of everything, life is so worthwhile
And I thank You Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see Your face
And it's there You belong
yes, i'm thankful. i'm thankful as well that my bro is back here in dubai now.
the Gospel was about the healing of the paralytic who was lowered down from the roof by his friends. faith played a big role in this story. it is the faith of his friends that moved Jesus to heal him. when Jesus saw the determination of the friends to get the sick man to Him, overcoming obstacles of the big crowd and making a hole on the roof of the house, He saw that they were clinging to their faith.
i realized that my worries are really trivial compared to the lot of so many people around the world. and to think that these last few days, i've been really feeling down in the dumps. and already, i've lost hope. so much for my faith, huh, or the lack of it is more like it. seems that my niece has more faith in me than i have in myself.
the priest also mentioned that praying for others is one way of moving the Lord because He is easily moved by prayers that are not self-directed but are intended for other people. i now appreciate more fully the Prayers for the Faithful that we pray during mass and to really mean it when we recite the Apotle's Creed (I believe in God....)- truly mean it, believe it and have faith.
as they say, faith can move mountains. and my sis-in-law reminded me that i should continue to dream, hope and have faith. after all, these are free.
February 19, 2009
being away from home has made me realize the importance of love and support. and i'm getting lots of them now from my family and friends. a number has been chatting me up on the web to wish me birthday greetings and i treasure so much the sharings we've made in just a matter of several minutes. i cling to these words of encouragement like a lifeline during these days when i am starting to feel homesick and depressed.
yes, they are opening my eyes and guiding me on what lessons i need to learn from all that i am going through right now.
and i thought:" Hey, am i really so obtuse? the Lord is testing me to breaking point until i yield myself completely to Him. but i am being very obstinate. sometimes i find it hard to accept that what i want for myself is not at all what the Lord wants for me. a friend said maybe that is the lesson here: You have to learn to let go and move on. but i kept bargaining. and this friend told me: Then stop bargaining with Him. Just ask Him to give you what you deserve.
sometimes however, it crashes my spirit to find that when He answers, it isn't totally what i expected. i feel very humbled in seeing that what i deserve is less than what i have dreamed of. one other friend said that sometimes it's one way of challenging us to move along forward. when there's something to hang on to and look forward to. otherwise, we become complacent with our lot and stop striving.
i don't know. i'm not much of a runner myself. but i guess, i'll stick around to run the race, however rocky the path may be or twisted and crooked. this is quite a journey i am making. and i've got loads more to learn out of life. I just might have to keep on moving along. i realize now, maybe i need to polish on that will of moving on. but first i need to train my heart on the art of letting go.
February 17, 2009
Yes, I lost. Just last weekend, I lost a favorite pair of slacks which I left to dry out on the veranda. I can only assume it fell to the lower grounds of the building and I couldn’t find it anymore when I went down to search. Maybe somebody’s gone to pick it up and took it. Maybe it’s found another owner. Maybe. I lost it.
I’ve lost. In my bid to get a good job in a reputable organization, I’ve emailed all my close friends and my family to help me pray that I be chosen. But until now they still hadn’t called back. Maybe the other candidate already got it. Maybe I didn’t pray hard enough. Maybe. I’ve lost hope.
I’m lost. I keep thinking back : Hey, I had it all planned at the start. I went abroad with all great hopes and expectations. But I hadn’t foreseen the economic atmosphere. I hadn’t counted on the crisis looming ahead. I hadn’t prepared myself well for stiff competition. Maybe this is not the place for me. Maybe I am not welcome here. Maybe. I feel lost.
I want to find my place in the sun. More than that, I want to find myself again.
February 14, 2009
There were so many shops on sale as DSF (Dubai Shopping Festival) is due to end tomorrow. Sadly however we both have no money to splurge so we just spent the next hour and a half going inside the shops and ogling the items on sale.
I was also able to talk to Gina, one former flatmate who has now moved to Sharjah because her work is there. Also texted friends and family to greet them happy heart's day.
And so, before the clock strikes this midnight, here's wishing all my readers a Happy Valentine's Day. May your hearts be full of love.
February 13, 2009
i received another call a couple of days ago saying that i should go for 2nd round of interview at the company that i have been appying a job for. i was so glad i got shortlisted. have been praying for such a blessing and has been asking everyone close to me to also pray for me that i'd get the job.
after dinner, spent a few minutes with flatmates pia and her sister odess who gave me beautiful words to ponder on that night.
we were exchanging stories of the setbacks we've been through in life- from our previous work, deciding to go abroad, and experiences upon arriving in dubai. and they shared a few insights into their life and shared with me some words of wisdom especially on receiving graces and the acceptance of God's will.
the interview turned out okay. the quality manager is a very kind lady who is softspoken and very smart. she is also a nutritionist like me. now it's down to just two. i do so hope that i will be chosen.
as i was lying on my bed, i remembered the words of encouragement from my former boss when she emailed me: If it is also God's desire for you, He will make the way or He will send you the right people to help you find your goals.
how i want this to be so.
February 09, 2009
but anyway, was at last able to go to Global Village. my cousins and i went around looking at what-nots and taking photos of the 'booths' (if you can call them that) of participant countries. the phils has a very big parol so it's quite easy to spot. wish, esmuky was there with us. sadly, he's in Kish, Iran at the moment waiting out the required number of days out of this country before he can re-enter by visit visa again.
posting here some pics...
February 04, 2009
February 01, 2009
the mass was so nice, the songs so close to my heart, and the girls dancing during the mass were a delight to watch.
an emptying of my cup, a celebration of faithfulness, a desire to serve the Lord at the presentation feast. truly, the Lord picks the most unexpected day or place to bless us. He continues to fill me with His love and mercy, even though i feel i am not worthy. but still, i couldn't bring myself to empty myself upon Him after all this time. my self will is still pushing against His will, even though i know i am powerless. how then can He fill my life? i'm beginning to feel i'm wandering in this journey.
January 30, 2009
ganun kayang talaga kapag accountant ka? nagtatago ka? ang lam ko, mataas na propesyon ang accountancy. at napakamahal ng pirma ng mga ito. maggaling sila sa pagbabalanse. kaya nilang pagtugma-tugmain ang mga nuemro at makagawa ng monthly accounting kahit anogn gulo ng records. e paano, matinik sa numero e.
speaking of pagbabalanse ng numero, heto end of the month at maloloka na ako. paano, wala na akong mababalanseng numero sa pitaka ko. puro barya-barya na lang nasa bulsa ko. binilang ko nga e, makasasapat para pampamasahe sa bus papasok ng trabaho. buti na lang, barya ang ibinabayad sa bus. ang nakakalungkot pa, ayun, nag-exit ang kapatid ko. kinailangan magpadala ng pangkain at bayad sa tirahan doon sa iran. pinabaonan ko na lang ng madaming de-lata, noodles at mga biskwit para makatipid-tipid naman sa gastusin. paano na kaya ang mga susunod na araw?
January 19, 2009
iba talaga dito. lagi arabo ang salitang naririnig ko sa opisina. palibhasa mas komportable silang magsalita sa linggwaheng kinagisnan nila. kahit magkakaiba sila ng nationality, mga arabo naman sila kaya ito ang common sa kanilang lahat na wika.
hanggang ngayon, kahit magli-limang buwan na ako dito, naninibago pa rin ako sa mga mukha ng mga ito pag nagdadatingan sila. kungsabagay, nagkakakumpol-kumpol lang sila dito pag andito si amo galing saudi. nakupo, napaka-busy bigla dito sa opisina pag nagkataon.
nakaka-OP nga lang kasi di ko sila maintindihan. pakiramdam ko nga, hindi kaya sinasadya nilang magsalita sa arabo para di sila maintindihan ng mga banyaga? parang tayo din kapag nagkasama-sama sa isang lugar at may mga pinag-uusapang ayaw marinig ng ibang lahi, automatic ang pagsasalita natin sa sariling wika.
parang dito sa blog ko. pag may gusto akong isulat na wala akong pakialam kung di naiintindihan ng iba, dire-diretso ang pagsusulat ko sa wikang atin. ito naman ay... sa atin-atin lang.
January 13, 2009
There's a lot of flatmates celebrating their birthday this month. There's Aunty Brenda, Ate Leslie, Dunhill, Chuchay and Roxanne. That's five of them. 5 birthday celebrants = 5 celebrations = 5 occasions to gorge on food.
It's mainly the reason for my not being able to go down to my previous size again. I am so enjoying all the eating!
January 08, 2009
it's been 4 months since i first set foot in dubai- this land of gold.
to me, i saw it as a land of opportunity. like so many of my kababayans, i have finally given in to the dire need of pag-asenso sa buhay.
But this chapter in my life's journey is just getting started.
Little had I known that all those little travails that I've taken during my childhood and all through my growing up will have shaped me into what I am now.
I bear the scars of all the wounds I've sustained growing up, both physically and emotionally. Each scar is a living memory of the adventures I've had as a child. Each scar is associated to a place, or a face or a happening. And I can say I have so many happy memories growing up. Happy with a lot of adventures and a lot of falls and kneescrapes along the way.
These days, I am at it again. Taking part in the game of life- taking risks, falling, picking myself up, enduring the scrapes, nursing the wounds, holding on. I feel blessed to have family and friends to support and encourage me every time I feel down. And I am grateful I have the Lord to carry me through all of these falls. It's another year to spend in pursuit of my dreams. Another year to journey on.